Friday, February 19, 2010

Formulas Won't Work

Not only am I not the right person but I am also the wrong person to
share this, as a sannyasi.  However, being part of society, I am
sharing my reflection.  Recently hundreds of couples gathered to
insist the value of the relationship between husband and wife in a
famous ashram, in Tamilnadu.  They even took vows holding each other's
hands.  And after the programme, one woman, appreciating such
gatherings to teach the younger generations, who do not understand
many values in life, said, 'Three things are taught to us: "No
comment; no command and no demand."'

Though I appreciate the noble purpose of the organizers of such
meeting, yet providing some simple formulas won't actually help people
in real life.  It is interesting that such gatherings were arranged to
strengthen the relationship and bond between husband and wife. But a
formula is given just opposite to such a bond and relationship.

Every human relationship is important for an individual, family and
community (also society at large) to grow.  And it is possible only
when we 'comment, command and even demand' several things from each
other.  Of course we can use a better word for 'comment' as 'advice or
counsel'; 'command' as 'request' and 'demand' as 'rights'.  But
whichever words we might use, any relationship can develop and
function when there is mutual contribution by all these means.
Imagine a relationship between a husband and wife without any
'comment, command and demand'.  Though I don't have personal
experience in this field, based on other relationships that I enjoy, I
can say with much confidence that all relationships will remain not
only dry but also boring without contributing each other through our
'comment, command and demand.'  Because, we can summarize all these
three words in one word: COMMUNICATION.  And those who try to live
strictly implementing such formulas won't have any communication with
anyone.  We can observe that not even animals can survive or thrive if
such formula is followed.

The problem with human beings sometimes is that, in the name of doing
certain things differently, we completely lose track and get lost in
such formulas and programmes.  But the only consolation for me is
that, like many other such programmes and formulas, we will never
implement them, but will live naturally 'commenting, commanding and
demanding' in our life enjoying our relationship and learning through
errors and mistakes and not through elitist, unnatural intellectual
formulas.  Tastelessness itself is a taste (with which we are not
familiar or the one that we don't like); not using any symbol itself
is a symbol.  In the same way, 'no comments' itself is a comment
(without words).  One need not use only words to 'command'. There
other ways to command and also to demand.   Those who exercise
authority (husband or wife) know how to command, even without words,
and those who depend know how to demand their rights.  Only those who
are yet to born can refrain from commenting, commanding and demanding.
The rest of the living beings, including the dead ones cannot escape
from commenting, commanding and demanding.

Finally, when someone, after asking me for help, says, 'Sorry for the
trouble,' I say with a smile, 'I need to give you trouble and you
need to give me trouble.  Otherwise we cannot live on this earth.  Of
course we can use a better word for 'trouble' though that is what we
give and need to give to each other as living beings.'

So 'comment, command and demand' to celebrate all relationships with
proper communication.

Dayanand Bharati, Gurukulam, September 1, 2009.

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